What to say when she'd love to meet but her ex keeps texting
She says she'd love to meet but her ex keeps texting her. How to read that, what a good reply does, and when to follow up or stop.
She's given you a yes that has a condition attached. She'd like to meet, but she's still in contact with someone who matters to her, and that contact is getting in the way. Usually this means the ex is still in her head, or she hasn't decided yet whether she's done with him. Neither is a rejection of you, but it does mean you're not the only thing she's weighing right now.
A good reply doesn't pretend the ex isn't there and doesn't ask her to explain him. It takes her at her word, stays light, and makes it easy for her to say yes to a plan without having to resolve her whole situation first. The reply should leave her feeling no pressure and no need to defend anything.
The aim is to keep the door open at a low cost to both of you. You're not trying to win a contest with the ex. You're trying to be the person she doesn't have to manage.
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Read the lol as a door, not a wall
The 'I don't know what I want yet' part is the signal that matters most. She isn't saying she's still hung up on him in some fixed way. She's saying she's undecided, and she's telling you that openly, which is a good sign about how she communicates. Undecided people respond to low-stakes options far better than they respond to big decisions. A coffee on a specific day is easy to say yes to. A conversation about where things stand is not.
The lol and the 'honestly' are doing work too. She's giving you a reason, not a dodge, and she's trusting you not to make it weird. Treat that trust as the thing to protect. If you respond to the honesty by probing it, she'll learn that being candid with you costs her something.
The ex is a fact, not a referendum on you
Her ex texting her is a logistical problem in her life. It tells you about her inbox, not about your chances. Keep your reply focused on what you can offer: a concrete plan, a bit of warmth, and an easy way to say yes. Don't try to out-text him, don't compare, and don't signal that you're keeping score.
The move here is to let her hold her own situation while you hold the plan. You can acknowledge the mess in one short clause if it feels natural, then move straight to something she can answer with a yes or a time. The less you engage with the ex, the less space he takes up in the conversation.
Give her a small yes she can take without explaining
A good follow-up to this kind of message lowers the cost of agreeing. Propose one specific thing, a time window and a place, and make it clearly fine for her to pick a different day. That gives her a way to show interest without having to say anything about her ex. If she says yes, you're set. If she says not yet, you've still learned something without having put her on the spot.
Avoid open-ended offers like 'let me know when you're free.' They put the scheduling and the emotional labour on her, and with an ex in the picture she's the one who'll feel the pressure of that. Do the work of making the plan. She only has to show up or say no.
Why these replies fail
“Totally get it, but are you still getting back together with him or what?”
It asks her to define her ex situation right when she's said she doesn't know, which makes the conversation about her history instead of the plan.
“No worries! Just let me know whenever you're free, I'm around.”
It hands her the entire job of scheduling while she's already distracted, so the plan quietly dies.
“Wow, okay. I'm not gonna compete with your ex, so I'll just wait until you figure it out.”
It turns a casual interest into a complaint and makes her feel she has to manage your feelings on top of her own.
Common mistakes
- Asking about the ex directly, which turns a casual chat into an interview
- Waiting for her to clear things up before suggesting anything, so the plan never gets made
- Sounding wounded or threatened, which makes her feel she has to reassure you
- Matching her vague energy with vague energy, so nothing concrete ever happens
- Sending a long message that treats the ex as the main topic
Questions people ask
- Should I ask her if she's still in love with her ex?
- No. She's told you she doesn't know yet, and pushing for a yes or no puts her on the spot about something she's still working through. Asking directly also signals that you need an answer before you'll move forward. Let her decide on her own timeline. Your job is to offer a plan that's easy to say yes to, and to let her tell you more if she wants to.
- How long should I wait before I follow up if she doesn't reply?
- Give it a day or two, since people with an ex in their inbox often go quiet while they sort things out. If you've sent a specific plan and heard nothing, one short follow-up is fine, something light that gives her an easy out. After that, wait for her to come back. Sending a string of messages turns her silence into a problem she has to solve.
- Is it a bad sign that her ex is still texting her?
- Not automatically. It means she's still in contact with him, which can mean anything from lingering feelings to a messy but finished relationship to a friendship that just hasn't quite ended. What matters more is how she talks about it. If she's open about it and says she's undecided, that's a fairly normal place to be. If she's evasive, or she keeps flipping between interest in you and stories about him, that's a clearer signal to slow down.
- When should I stop trying to make plans with her?
- Stop when she's had a fair chance to say yes and keeps giving you vague answers, or when she starts to pull away in ways that aren't about scheduling. You can make one clear, low-pressure offer and let it stand. If she doesn't take it, or she keeps delaying indefinitely, that's your answer. Staying in an open-ended holding pattern usually costs you more than it's worth.
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