She says she's going through stuff: what it means and how to reply

Read the whole message before deciding what it means. If she mentioned the stuff in passing and kept the tone warm, she is most likely overloaded, not pulling away. A person who is losing interest usually gets short and vague with no warmth at all, and rarely volunteers an explanation. A person going through a hard stretch often apologizes for being absent, names the cause loosely, and still signals she wants to talk eventually.

Look at what she did with the message. Did she say when she'd be back, or leave it open? Did she still ask you something? Did she use a little emoji or a joke? Those small details tell you she is still engaged and simply has less to give right now. If the tone is flat and there is no hook at all, treat that as a stronger signal that the connection may be fading, and give her more space before you press at all.

When someone says she is going through stuff, the practical effect is usually slower replies, shorter answers, and fewer plans. That is normal, and the way you respond to the slowdown is what she will remember. If you keep a steady, low-key presence, sending the occasional light message that asks nothing of her, she will associate you with calm. If you swing between heavy check-ins and sudden silence, she will feel she has to manage your feelings on top of her own.

Think about what you are asking her to do. The reply should not require a long answer or a decision. Keep your own life moving so you are not waiting by the phone. The point is that when she comes back up, the conversation picks up where it left off without you having needed her to reassure you while she was down.

Do not follow up with a question about what the stuff is unless she has already opened the door wide. Once she does share, listen and reflect what she said in plain words, then stop. Responding to her disclosure with advice she did not ask for or a story about your own rough time usually turns the moment into a competition. If she wants help, she will say so.

If she goes quiet for a long stretch after saying this, that is her call. Send one clear, low-pressure message later that shows you are still there and lets her choose the next step. If she does not answer after that, stop messaging and leave the thread for her to pick back up. Continuing to send messages after that point reads as pressure, however kindly you meant it.