How to answer 'what are we?' when he mentions other dates
He's mentioned other dates and you want to ask where things stand. Here's how to raise the what are we question without sounding needy or pushing.
When he brings up other dates, he's usually telling you something about where he is, even if he doesn't mean to. Sometimes it's a casual heads-up. Sometimes it's a test to see how much you care. Sometimes he really hasn't decided yet and is hoping you'll make the call for him. You can't tell which from one message, so the goal of your reply is to find out without making the conversation a referendum on the relationship.
A good answer does two things at once. It shows you heard him, and it tells him where you stand. You don't need to match his news with a list of your own dating activity, and you don't need to hide that you're interested. Keep your tone steady and your question simple.
If you want clarity on exclusivity, ask about it directly and once. Lots of people wait for the other person to bring it up, which means the question never gets asked and both people stay in limbo for weeks.
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Read the vagueness in 'still figuring it out'
When someone says they're still figuring out what they want, the phrase is doing two jobs. It might be honest uncertainty, or it might be a way to keep options open without committing to anything. One message can't tell you which. What you can notice is whether he's asked anything about you, whether he's making plans, and whether there's any warmth in the conversation. If he's bringing up dates while also asking when you can see each other next, that's a different picture from a message that reads like a status update.
Don't treat his vagueness as a verdict on you. He may be uncertain about himself, not about you. Keep the read loose until you have more to go on.
Ask once, then let him answer
The most useful thing you can do is ask the question once, clearly, and then stop filling the silence. A question like whether he's seeing other people right now, or whether he wants this to be exclusive, gives him something concrete to answer. Vague questions about where this is going invite vague answers. If you're the one who wants exclusivity, say so plainly, since he can't respond to a preference you haven't stated.
After you ask, give him room. If he takes a while, that's information too. Don't follow up with a second and third version of the same question within the hour.
Decide what you'll do with each answer
Before you send the question, decide what you'll do if he says he's seeing others and wants to keep it open, and what you'll do if he says he wants to be exclusive. If you already know you won't keep dating someone who's casual with multiple people, say so in your reply or at least know it privately. Otherwise a non-answer ends up deciding things for you by default. Having the decision ready keeps you from reopening the question every few days and turning a clear answer into a long negotiation.
Why these replies fail
“lol good for you, I've been busy too, went on like three dates this week haha”
It turns his news into a scorecard, so the real question about where you stand never gets asked.
“Oh. Cool. Anyway what are we even doing here”
The flat tone and the open-ended question put him on the spot without giving him a clear thing to answer.
“I just need to know if you're going to keep seeing other people or not, I'm not doing this if you are”
It's an ultimatum delivered before any real conversation has happened, which makes a calm answer harder for him.
Common mistakes
- Answering his date news with a joke that dodges the subject entirely
- Pretending you don't care about the answer, then getting cold when he replies
- Asking 'so what are we?' in a way that sounds like an ultimatum
- Listing your own dates to even the score, which turns it into a contest
- Waiting three weeks to ask, then acting surprised he's still seeing other people
Questions people ask
- Is it too early to ask what we are if we've only been on a few dates?
- Not necessarily. After three to five dates, many people want to know if the other person is still dating around. You don't need to make it a formal relationship talk. Keep it casual and specific, like asking whether he's seeing anyone else right now. If it's early and he gets awkward, that's a reasonable signal about how much he's invested so far.
- Should I tell him I'm also dating other people?
- You can, if it's true and you want to be honest about where you are. Just don't use it as a way to match him. If you're fine with things staying open, say that. If you're not, say that instead. Either way, state your own position in a single sentence rather than listing your activity.
- What if he says he's seeing other people but he likes me?
- That's a common answer and it can be a real one. Decide whether an open arrangement works for you before you respond. If it doesn't, you can say that you want exclusivity and see whether he's willing to move that way. A person who likes you but wants to stay open may still change their mind later, but you shouldn't wait around hoping for it.
- How long should I wait for an answer before I bring it up again?
- Give him a few days if he's been replying normally, since people often need time to think. If a week passes with no clear answer and he's still making plans with you, ask one more time, directly. If he keeps avoiding the question, you have your answer about where he is, even without a formal statement.
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“Used it for a couple hours and set up a date the same night. Not even kidding.”
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“I overthink every text. Having three options and picking the one that sounds like me cut that spiral short.”
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