Asking 'what are we?' when your dates are irregular
How to bring up the what-are-we talk when you see each other irregularly and unpredictably, without sounding needy or waiting forever.
When dates happen in bursts, with long gaps and last-minute plans, the what-are-we question gets buried under logistics. Both of you may be enjoying it and assuming the other knows where things stand. The real issue is that nothing is labelled, so every gap feels like it could mean something.
A good conversation about this does one thing: it gets you both to say, plainly, what you want from the next few weeks. It does not need to decide the whole future. It needs to replace guessing with information.
Done well, the question sounds calm and specific. You are asking about this particular arrangement, not making a verdict on her feelings.
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Irregular plans usually mean undefined, not uninterested
When plans come together on the day, the most common reason is that neither of you has decided how often you want to see each other. She may be keeping her options open, or she may simply not have a schedule that fits a regular date. 'Let me check my week' is often honest. It means she has not decided, and she is not yet ready to commit to a day.
Read the pattern rather than any single message. Does she suggest plans herself, or only respond when you ask? Does she stay in touch between dates with normal chat, or does it go quiet? Warmth in person plus silence between is a different signal from consistent, low-key contact. The pattern tells you whether the vagueness is a shared habit or one of you holding back.
Name the arrangement before naming the feelings
Starting with 'what do you feel for me' asks for the hardest answer first. Start with the arrangement instead: how often you are both hoping to see each other, and what kind of thing you think this is. That gives her a concrete question she can answer honestly, and it lets you say your version without it sounding like a verdict.
Keep your own stated preference specific. 'I'd like to see you about once a week and I'd like us to be doing that on purpose' gives her something to agree with, adjust, or turn down. A vague 'I'd like more' lets her avoid the question and leaves you guessing again.
Give it a fixed window, then decide
If the conversation gets an unclear answer, do not treat that as the end. Propose one concrete next step, such as seeing each other on a set day in the coming week, and see whether she shows up for it. Her follow-through tells you more than her description of herself.
If the plan goes ahead and the pattern shifts toward regular contact, you have your answer. If she cancels, goes vague again, or the week passes without anything planned, you have that answer too. You are not making a permanent decision here. You are checking whether the next two weeks match what she said.
Why these replies fail
“Hey, I feel like we never make real plans. What are we even doing?”
It opens with a complaint about her and asks for a definition in the same breath, so she has to defend herself before she can answer.
“I've been thinking a lot about us and I really need to know if you're into this or not.”
It demands a verdict on her feelings over text, which puts pressure on her with no context and no way to answer gradually.
“No worries if you're busy, I'll just keep waiting for you to pick a day.”
The passive-aggressive tone signals resentment and hands her the job of making things right, which makes a clear answer less likely.
Common mistakes
- Waiting for a perfect moment that never shows up, so the gaps keep stretching
- Asking the question over text in a way that demands a long answer on the spot
- Opening with a list of your grievances about the scheduling
- Treating one slow reply as a verdict and pushing for a definition immediately
- Stating your own answer in a way that leaves her no room to say what she wants
Questions people ask
- How do I bring up the what-are-we talk if we only see each other sometimes?
- Pick a calm moment in person or on a call, not mid-plan over text. Ask about the arrangement itself, such as how often you each want to see each other and what you think this is. Keep your own answer specific so she has something concrete to respond to rather than a broad question about her feelings.
- Is it a bad sign if she goes quiet between dates?
- Not on its own. Some people save their energy for in-person time and text less. What matters more is whether she stays warm when you meet and whether she ever initiates plans. If the silence is long, the contact is one-sided, and the plans only come when you ask, that pattern is worth taking seriously.
- How long should I wait for a clear answer after the talk?
- Give it about a week and attach a concrete plan to that window, like a set day to see each other. If the plan happens and things feel more consistent, that is progress. If it gets cancelled or keeps drifting, you have your answer and can decide whether the arrangement works for you.
- What if she says she is not sure what she wants yet?
- Take that as a real answer, but ask what would help her decide. Maybe she wants more time, more consistency, or a clearer sense of how you feel. Agree on a short check-in date so the uncertainty does not run indefinitely, and be honest with yourself about whether waiting suits you.
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