How to tell him you need consistent interest, not hot and cold

Hot and cold behavior points to a few different things. Maybe he's keeping options open and only texts you when his other leads dry up. Maybe he has anxious attachment and swings wildly between chasing you and pulling away from fear. Or maybe he's just not that interested and you're a backup plan. None of this reflects on you or anything you did wrong. The pattern is about what he's doing, what matters to him, or how his brain works. When you bring it up, you'll find out which one it is. If he gets defensive or brushes you off, that's telling. If he actually hears you and wants to work on it, that's different. How he responds tells you more than anything he says. You're not asking him to be on his phone constantly. You're checking whether he can show up consistently over time, which is just how relationships function.

Your message has two jobs. First, describe the specific pattern without attacking him. Don't say 'you ignore me.' Say 'I notice you go silent for X days then reach out intensely.' Name the actual cycle so he can't brush it off or claim he didn't notice. Second, explain what this does to you in terms of what you need, not how you feel. 'It makes me unsure if you're interested' works better than 'it makes me sad.' You're naming a fact about the relationship, not asking him to manage your emotions. A solid draft will be specific enough that he knows exactly what you mean, short enough that he'll actually read it, and clear enough that he can't pretend he misunderstood. Skip anything that sounds like complaining or blaming. You're naming a pattern and what you need instead.

Send it when he's been engaged, not during one of his cold stretches. You want him somewhat present because he's more likely to actually take it in. Wait at least 24 hours before following up if he doesn't respond. If he does respond, you learn whether he can actually have a serious conversation. If he goes silent after you bring it up, you have your answer about whether this is worth your time. Don't send a bunch of follow-ups or soften what you said. You made your point clearly. His move is to respond. If a week goes by with no real answer, you have what you need. Some people can change this if they're aware of it and actually willing. Most cannot or will not. After this talk, look for real changes over the next two or three weeks, not just apologies. Then decide if this person deserves your energy.