What to say when he wants to see other people
How to reply when he suggests an open relationship. Responses that protect your time and clarify what you actually want.
When someone says they want to keep things open, they're usually telling you they don't want commitment right now. Sometimes they mean it as a test to see how you react. Sometimes they actually want that arrangement. Either way, you need to know what you want before you respond.
A good reply does two things at once. It gives you information about whether this is actually compatible with what you're looking for, and it avoids sounding desperate or like you're trying to convince him to change his mind. The goal is clarity, not negotiation.
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Try for freeHe's telling you he doesn't want to lock this down
This phrasing, 'we should both be open,' is deliberate. He's not saying he wants an open relationship where you both date others and stay together. He's saying he doesn't want exclusivity. The 'both' part is him trying to make it sound fair and mutual, but what matters is what he's actually saying: he wants the option to see other people without it being a betrayal.
He might mean this as a permanent arrangement. He might mean it as a way to slow things down. He might mean it as a test to see if you'll agree to anything. The reason doesn't change what he's actually offering you, which is a relationship without commitment. That's the information you need.
Your reply has to do one clear job
You need to tell him whether that works for you or it doesn't. Not maybe. Not eventually. Not if he changes his mind. Right now. A strong reply either says you're not interested in that setup, or you are, and then you both actually live by it. The worst reply is the one that says yes but implies you're waiting for him to get serious, because then you waste time and he thinks you agreed to something you didn't.
Don't spend energy trying to convince him that exclusivity is better. Don't ask him why he feels this way. Don't propose a middle ground. Just answer the question he asked.
Send it today and don't reopen it
This is not a conversation that needs multiple messages. You tell him what you want, and then you both know where you stand. If you send it and he doesn't reply, wait three days. If he still hasn't responded, that's your answer too. Some guys will come back a week later with 'but actually I was thinking' and try to negotiate. Don't engage. You already answered. Anything after that is just him testing whether you'll change your mind.
If your answer is no and he keeps trying to convince you, that's a sign he wants you to do something you don't want to do. Stop replying. If your answer is yes, set a personal limit on how long you'll actually do this before you need to know whether he wants something real.
Why these replies fail
“okay that makes sense, let's try it and see where this goes”
This sounds like you agreed but you're also hoping he'll change his mind, which sets you up for resentment later when he actually dates other people.
“why do you feel like we need to see other people? i thought things were going really well between us”
You're asking him to justify himself instead of telling him what you want, which gives him control of the conversation and makes you sound like you're negotiating.
“I'm not really comfortable with that, but I understand where you're coming from. Maybe we could just take things slower instead?”
The first part is honest but then you soften it with understanding and offer a compromise, which makes it seem like your boundary is flexible when you should be clear it's not.
Common mistakes
- Asking him to explain or defend his position, which shifts control to him and makes you sound uncertain
- Saying yes to keep him around, then resenting him later when he actually dates other people
- Offering a compromise like 'maybe just give it a few more weeks' instead of stating what you want
- Ignoring what this actually means and hoping he'll change his mind if you're cool about it
- Sending a long emotional response that makes him feel guilty rather than just answering the question
Questions people ask
- Does this mean he's losing interest in me?
- Not necessarily. Some people just don't want exclusivity early on regardless of how much they like someone. But yes, it does mean he doesn't want what you might want from him right now. That's enough information to decide whether to stay or go. Don't try to read his feelings into it.
- What if I say no and he disappears?
- Then you found out he only wanted to stick around if things stayed undefined. That's useful information. If you'd said yes hoping he'd eventually commit, you would have wasted months. A clean no is better than a messy maybe.
- Is there a way to say yes but make him think I'm not that into it?
- Not really, and trying to play it cool just confuses things more. If you say yes, he'll believe you meant it. If you want to say yes but keep your options open too, just say that. If you don't want to see other people, say no.
- How long should I wait before deciding this isn't working for me?
- Set a timeline before you even start. Not a vague 'until he's ready' but a real date. Two months. Three. Then check in with yourself. If you're still hoping he'll commit and the answer is no, end it. Don't keep going until you're too attached to leave.
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Screenshot the conversation in WingAI. It reads the vibe and gives you natural replies for this exact situation.
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