What to say when he needs to work on himself before dating

This line lands differently depending on what's actually going on with him. Sometimes he means it. He's in therapy, dealing with a breakup, managing mental health stuff, or rebuilding after a hard time. Other times he's scared of commitment or not that into you and using self-work as a soft rejection that feels less harsh. You can't tell from the message alone, and trying to figure it out by asking more questions keeps you stuck.

What you can tell is this. If someone is actually working on themselves in a way that matters, they'll show you through action over time, not just by saying it once. Real people with real work to do either keep seeing you while being honest about their capacity, or they disappear and come back when things shift. The vague middle ground where they text sporadically and remind you they're "focusing on themselves" is almost always a sign they're not sure about you and not sure about staying away either.

Your job isn't to convince him, support his journey, or give him permission to figure things out. Your job is to say what you need and then stop managing the conversation. This means naming what you're looking for (someone ready to date seriously, someone who can show up, whatever your real bottom line is) and making it clear that you're not the person to have a long discussion about his process.

Then you stop. You don't ask when he'll be ready. You don't offer to check in later. You don't send him articles about growth. You let him carry the weight of deciding whether he wants to move toward you or not. This sounds cold, but it's actually the most honest thing you can do. It says: I respect what you said enough that I'm taking it at face value, and I respect myself enough to not hang around in the maybe.

Send your reply and then set a boundary with yourself about what comes next. If he doesn't text you for two weeks, that's your answer even if he eventually does reach out. If he texts you casual stuff but never moves toward making plans, he's not working on himself in a way that involves you.

If he does come back with something like "I think I'm in a better place now" or actually makes concrete plans to see you, then you can re-engage. But until then, treat his silence or casual texts as him choosing the "working on himself" path. Don't manufacture reasons to text him. Don't like his social media posts. Don't position yourself as someone who's available whenever he decides he's ready. The longer you wait in his orbit, the more you'll convince yourself that the vague hope is enough.